Holiday Wishes for My Readers

As we approach the end of 2013, I want to take a moment to wish my readers a Happy Hanukkah, Merry Christmas and a Healthy and Prosperous New Year.  May you be surrounded by loved ones, family and friends to share the joy of the season.

Again this year I have included, for your entertainment, one of my favorite holiday videos, Beware of the Doghouse.  Take a few moments to enjoy it, and have a great holiday season!

Humor: Democrat, Republican, or Southerner?

Are you a Democrat, a Republican or a Southerner?  Here is a little test that will help you decide.  The answer can be found by posing the following question: 

You're walking down a deserted street with your wife and two small children.

Suddenly, a Terrorist with a huge knife comes around the corner, locks eyes with you, screams obscenities, raises the knife, and charges at you...

You are carrying a Kimber 1911 cal. 45 ACP, and you are an expert shot. You have mere seconds before he reaches you and your family. What do you do?

THINK CAREFULLY AND THEN SCROLL DOWN:

DEMOCRAT'S ANSWER:
Well, that's not enough information to answer the question!
What is a Kimber 1911 cal. 45 ACP?
Does the man look poor or oppressed?
Is he really a terrorist? Am I guilty of profiling?
Have I ever done anything to him that would inspire him to attack?
Could we run away?
What does my wife think?
What about the kids?
Could I possibly swing the gun like a club and knock the knife out of his hand?
What does the law say about this situation?
Does the pistol have an appropriate safety built into it?
Why am I carrying a loaded gun anyway, and what kind of message does this send to society and to my children?
Is it possible he'd be happy with just killing me?
Does he definitely want to kill me, or would he be content just to wound me?
If I were to grab his knees and hold on, could my family get away while he was stabbing me?
Should I call 9-1-1?
Why is this street so deserted?
We need to raise taxes, have paint & weed day.
Can we make this a happier, healthier street that would discourage such behavior.
I need to debate this with some friends for a few days and try to come to a consensus.
This is all so confusing!

REPUBLICAN'S ANSWER:
BANG!

SOUTHERNER'S ANSWER:
BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG!
BANG !
Click.... (Sounds of reloading)
BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG!
BANG!
BANG!
BANG!
Click

Daughter: 'Nice grouping, Daddy!  Were those the Winchester Silver Tips or Hollow Points?!

Son: 'Can I shoot the next one?!'

Wife: 'You are NOT taking that to a Taxidermist!

[My thanks to Jennie Montoya for forwarding this article]

Obama at the Bat

This clever video is a takeoff from the poem "Casey at the Bat" by Ernest Thayer, often considered one of baseball's greatest writings.  If you are a fan of baseball history, you'll like this one.

[My thanks to Jennie Montoya for forwarding this video]

Holiday Humor '11: Beware of the Doghouse

The holidays are upon us again, and we men are racking our brains to find the perfect gift for our special ladies.  Unfortunately, with the best intentions, because we are men, we often give the worst possible gift.  Once again, I am posting this hilarious JC Penney video for your amusement and enjoyment.  It is one of my favorites.

Wishing all of you, my family, friends and readers, a joyous holiday season and a healthy and prosperous New Year.  And thanks for following my blog!

--Ralph

Veterans Day Tribute 2011

Once again it is time to remember the thousands of men and women of our armed forces who have dedicated and continue to dedicate their lives in the defense of our nation and our way of life.

This is an exciting and invigorating video showing members of all the branches of our military.  Select "Full Screen" and turn your computer volume all the way up.  You'll be on your feet!

Israel Solves Airport Security Privacy Issue

I'm sure this is not true, but it is so clever I thought I'd post it for your entertainment.

The Israelis are developing an airport security device that eliminates the privacy concerns that come with full-body scanners at the airports.  It's an armored booth you step into that will not X-ray you, but will detonate any explosive device you may have on your person.  Israel sees this as a win-win situation for everyone, with none of this crap about racial profiling. It will also eliminate the costs of a long and expensive trial.

Imagine, you're in the airport terminal and you hear a muffled explosion. Shortly thereafter, an announcement: "Attention to all standby passengers, we now have a seat available on flight 670 to London. Shalom!"

[My thanks to Phil Upman for forwarding this]

Humor: Martin Short's Farewell to Osama

Recently, Martin Short appeared on the David Letterman show and sang a humorous farewell to Osama bin Laden that he composed from Elton John's "Candle In the Wind".  Check it out.

[My thanks to Steve Clark for forwarding this video]

Political Humor: Three New Navy Ships

The three newest Navy ships named after US Presidents cast an interesting perspective on their namesakes. Check them out below.

USS Ronald Reagan

When the Bridge pipes 'Man the Rail' there is a lot of rail to man on this monster: shoulder to shoulder, around 4.5 acres. Her displacement is about 100,000 tons with full complement.

Capability - Top speed exceeds 30 knots, powered by two nuclear reactors that can operate for more than 20 years without refueling
1. Expected to operate in the fleet for about 50 years
2. Carries over 80 combat aircraft
3. Three arresting cables can stop a 28-ton aircraft going 150 miles per hour in less than 400 feet

Size
1. Towers 20 stories above the waterline
2. 1092 feet long; nearly as long as the Empire State Building is tall
3. Flight deck covers 4.5 acres
4. 4 bronze propellers, each 21 feet across, weighing 66,200 pounds
5. 2 rudders, each 29 by 22 feet and weighing 50 tons
6. 4 high speed aircraft elevators, each over 4,000 square feet

Capacity
1. Home to about 6,000 Navy personnel
2. Carries enough food and supplies to operate for 90 days
3. 18,150 meals served daily
4. Distillation plants provide 400,000 gallons of fresh water from sea water daily, enough for 2,000 homes
5. Nearly 30,000 light fixtures and 1,325 miles of cable and wiring 1,400 telephones
6. 14,000 pillowcases and 28,000 sheets

USS Bill Clinton

The ship is the first of its kind in the Navy and is a standing legacy to President Bill Clinton 'for his foresight in military budget cuts' and his conduct while holding the (formerly dignified) office of President.

The ship is constructed nearly entirely from recycled aluminum and is completely solar powered with a top speed of 5 knots. It boasts an arsenal comprised of one (unarmed) F14 Tomcat or one (unarmed) F18 Hornet aircraft which, although they cannot be launched on the 100 foot flight deck, form a very menacing presence.

As a standing order, there are no firearms allowed on board.

This crew, like the crew aboard the USS Jimmy Carter, is spec ially trained to avoid conflicts and appease any and all enemies of the United States at all costs.

An onboard Type One DNC Universal Translator can send out messages of apology in any language to anyone who may find America offensive. The number of apologies are limitless and though some may seem hollow and disingenuous, the Navy a dvises all apologies will sound very sincere.

In times of conflict, the USS Clinton has orders to seek refuge in Canada.

USS Barack Obama

Details are vague.

But don't you worry..........he has a plan.

[My thanks to Linda Kink for forwarding this]

Abbott & Costello's "Who's On First?"

Bud Abbott & Lou Costello

This world-famous vaudeville routine was performed by comic team Abbott and Costello in the late 1930's. In it, Lou Costello asks his partner, Bud Abbott, to tell him the names of the players on the St. Louis baseball team.   They have very unusual names, and the confusion they cause Lou Costello is truly hilarious.  The routine is brilliant and, although extremely difficult to deliver, it was masterfully done by the team.  It is, arguably, the best comedy routine of all time.

Some of you will remember this, as it was replayed on TV for many years.  There is nothing like it anymore.  For those seeing it for the first time, I guarantee it will have you rolling on the floor with laughter.  Turn up your volume and enjoy!

Humor: Be Careful What You Wish For

The '60s comedy show, starring British Comedian Benny Hill, was a smash success.  Here's a short video from the show that illustrates why you should be careful what you wish for.

[My thanks to Tom Nick for forwarding this video]

Political Satire: Arizona Sing-Along

As you know, Arizona recently passed a bill, SB1070, which tasks Arizona state and local law enforcement to crack down on illegal immigrants.  The Arizona legislature felt compelled to write this law, which is merely a restricted version of the federal law, because the Federal Government has, thus far, refused to enforce their own law.  The resulting swarm of illegal immigrants into Arizona has led to record crime, kidnapping and murder in the state.

The Obama administration, embarrassed and feeling its toes stepped on (65 percent of Americans support this bill), instantly began a public relations campaign to slander and denounce the bill, stating it will violate Constitutional protection from unreasonable search and seizure and lead to racial profiling.  Of course, the bill will do nothing of the kind and has specific language to prevent such actions.  It turns out Administration officials who were the most vocal in criticizing the bill (Attorney General Eric Holder, Homeland Security Secretary Janet Napolitano and others) had never even read it!

Recently, the state of Arizona began its own public relations campaign to counter the negative campaigns being waged against it by the Federal Government and other agencies. The state created a short satirical video focusing on this issue.  Check it out below.

Humor: Come to the USA

It's time for a break from the problems of the day.  The video, below, by singer and song writer Ray Stevens, pokes fun at the immigration situation.  Take a three minute break from your day for a little chuckle.

[My thanks to Greg Thew for forwarding this video]

Humor: iPad Versus oPad

Apple recently released its new iPad.  But the Federal Government has a competing product for you to consider.  It's called the Obama Pad or oPad, for short.  Check it out.

Robin Williams as the American Flag

This great video stars Robin Williams portraying the American Flag as only he could.  It's pure entertainment that will leave you just "feeling good".



[My thanks to Phil Hunter for forwarding this video]

Humor: School Answering Machine

This humorous video plays an alleged actual answering machine message at an Australian school after it instituted a policy that parents and students take responsibility for student failures. While this is quite funny, it is, also, sad because, in many cases, it is so true.

[My thanks to Ralph Monte for forwarding this]

Carol Burnett Show: Wrong Number

The Carol Burnett Show was a television smash success for years.  The video, below, is one of her many brilliantly hilarious skits.  This one features Carol and Tim Conway interacting after Tim answers the phone only to find it was a wrong number.  Check it out.

[My thanks to Edna Oeth for forwarding this]

Holiday Humor: Beware of the Doghouse

This clever video clip shows what happens when a man gives his wife or girlfriend the wrong gift for the holidays.  I posted this JC Penney video last holiday season.  I enjoyed it so much, I thought I'd show it to you, again, this year.

Wishing you and yours a very happy holiday season and a healthy, prosperous New Year!

Ralph

Political Cartoons

It appears the honeymoon is over between cartoonists and the Obama Administration. Take a few moments to enjoy the political cartoons below. If they are too small to read, click on individual cartoons to see them full size.

[My thanks to Greg Thew for forwarding these]

Humor: You May Be Taliban If...

Here's a short, politically incorrect piece that may give you a chuckle.

YOU MAY BE TALIBAN IF...

1. You refine heroin for a living, but you have a moral objection to beer.

2. You own a $3,000 machine gun and $5,000 rocket launcher, but you can't afford shoes.

3. You have more wives than teeth.

4. You wipe your butt with your bare hand, but consider bacon "unclean."

5. You think vests come in two styles: bullet-proof and suicide.

6. You can't think of anyone you haven't declared Jihad against.

7. You consider television dangerous, but routinely carry explosives in your clothing.

8. You were amazed to discover that cell phones have uses other than setting off roadside bombs.

9. You have nothing against women and think every man should own at least one.

10. You've always had a crush on your neighbor's goat.

[My thanks to Rick Douglas for forwarding this]

Humor: Americans With No Abilities Act

Take a break for some humor. The article, below, should bring you a chuckle.

AMERICANS WITH NO ABILITIES ACT

President Barack Obama and the Congress are considering sweeping legislation that will provide new benefits for many Americans. The AMERICANS WITH NO ABILITIES ACT is being hailed as a major legislative goal by advocates of the millions of Americans who lack any real skills or ambition.

"Roughly 50 percent of Americans do not possess the competence and drive necessary to carve out a meaningful role for themselves in society," said California Sen. Barbara Boxer. "We can no longer stand by and allow People of Inability (POI) to be ridiculed and passed over. With this legislation, employers will no longer be able to grant special favors to a small group of workers, simply because they have some idea of what they are doing."

In a Capitol Hill press conference, House Speaker Nancy Pelosi and Senate Majority Leader Harry Reid pointed to the success of the U.S. Postal Service, which has a long-standing policy of providing opportunity without regard to performance. Approximately 74 percent of postal employees lack any job skills, making this agency the single largest U.S. employer of Persons With No Ability. And let's not forget the Federal Government which holds the record with 94 percent of its members lacking any usable skills or common sense.

Private-sector industries with good records of non-discrimination against the inept include the financial industry (85 percent), the insurance industry (82 percent), and the news media (65 percent). At the state government level, the Department of Motor Vehicles has an excellent record of hiring Persons With No Ability (71 percent).

Under the Americans With No Abilities Act, more than 25 million mid-level positions will be created, with important-sounding titles but little real responsibility, thus providing an illusory sense of purpose and performance. Mandatory non-performance-based raises and promotions will be given so as to guarantee upward mobility for even the most unremarkable employees. The legislation provides substantial tax breaks to corporations that promote a significant number of Persons of Inability (POI) into middle-management positions, and gives a tax credit to small and medium-sized businesses that agree to hire one clueless worker for every two talented hires.

Finally, the Americans With No Abilities Act contains tough new measures to make it more difficult to discriminate against the non-abled, banning, for example, discriminatory interview questions such as, "Do you have any skills or experience that relate to this job?" "As a non-abled person, I can't be expected to keep up with people who have something going for them," said Mary Lou Gertz, who lost her position as a lug-nut twister at the GM plant in Flint, Michigan, due to her inability to remember the "righty tighty, lefty loosey" rule. "This new law should be real good for people like me." With the passage of this bill, Gertz and millions of other untalented citizens will finally see a light at the end of the tunnel.

Said Sen. Dick Durbin: "As a senator with no abilities, I believe the same privileges that elected officials enjoy ought to be extended to every American with no abilities. It is our duty as lawmakers to provide each and every American citizen, regardless of his or her inadequacy, with some sort of space to take up in this great nation and a good salary for doing so."

*My thanks to Greg Thew for this article (author unknown)
**Minor editing applied to enhance humor